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June 17 Rules on Drunk DialingRules of Drunk Dialing: 1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. 2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen. 3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom, I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you!" 4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something. 5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. 6. Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober. OUCH! 7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night. 8. You can also call this same ex and let him know, that you know, that he still loves you. Then explain to him that I would still love me too! 9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time. 10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. 11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry. 12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem". 13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it. 14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing. 15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing. 16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone. 17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared. 18. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when you're drunk... "You want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" 19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night. 20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers. May 19 QuotesOk, I don't normally put stuff up like this but I found this really funny. Hopefully yall do too!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." 0 The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Pedro blurts, "Dick Cheney 2006!" May 08 I think we can all relate to this...On a TransAtlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time... No one moves... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest... She gasps... He moves in close and whispers "Iron this, then get me a beer." April 14 Understanding men
December 20 Evening classesEVENING CLASSES FOR MEN Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept DAY ONE December 06 How long for a haircut?Something I thought yall'd enjoy!
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,"About 2 hours" The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said,"About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said,"About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill,do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back" A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asked,"So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up,tears in his eyes and said,"Your house". November 19 Back in my day....When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill both
Author unknown November 16 Ouch!I thought this poem had a good lesson, a little bit painful to read, and quite hilarious...
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram "OK," I said, "let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooters in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's viselike grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath," she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And, see how THEY come out! Ouch... November 15 A fairy tale for realityI've always loved this fairy tale and I think all little girls should hear it as they're growing up...
Once upon a time, in a land far awaya beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't freaking THINK so." November 03 Waterbed PrankClick on the picture to watch the video....
Quote Waterbed Prank October 17 A few words of wisdomSorry about the absence everyone, I need some down time to get my thoughts together. I was feeling like I was drifting every which way but the way I wanted to go, so I needed to take a break for a bit.
October 11 Wife vs. Husband...or is it the in-laws?A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Just thought I'd pass this along from an email I received! October 04 Find anything yet?A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominantly male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in San Francisco, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "Now I know why I am not gay." ... And the best one of them all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? September 29 Short Joke of the YearOk, since my brain is fried and I'm having serious issues getting my fingers to type, I'm just going to paste this I received in an email.
Nominated as the best short joke of the year.....
A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet." September 17 A letter to my FriendDear Alcohol, 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call the exwhen I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Your biggest fan 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me I recieved this in an email and I thought I would pass it along to see if anyone would like to add anything before I forward it to my friend, Alcohol.
September 16 Clean up your toysHere's a commercial you'll never see on TV...move your mouse over the box to begin (if it doesn't load right away, be patient.)
September 15 A tribute to my home state...WashingtonYOU MIGHT BE FROM WESTERN WASHINGTON IF ...
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