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§èàÅñgèl's ÒcèàñSwimming against the tide
September 12 Someone finally speaks the truth!It is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious Truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters. September 01 StutterI got a good laugh out of this, hopefully you will too.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my little kitty cat and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!" June 17 Rules on Drunk DialingRules of Drunk Dialing: 1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. 2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen. 3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom, I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you!" 4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something. 5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. 6. Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober. OUCH! 7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night. 8. You can also call this same ex and let him know, that you know, that he still loves you. Then explain to him that I would still love me too! 9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time. 10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. 11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry. 12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem". 13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it. 14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing. 15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing. 16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone. 17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared. 18. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when you're drunk... "You want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" 19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night. 20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers. June 08 Lesson of the day Keep all pens away from your homework when you're away. Never leave your homework where your 2 1/2 yr old has access to it. May 27 Memorial Day
Freedom Wall
Military Code of Conduct
Article I: I am an American, fighting in the armed forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense. Article II: I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist. Article III: If I am captured, I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy. Article IV: If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information nor take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way. Article V: When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service, number, and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause. Article VI: I will never forget that I am an American, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.
Thank you for giving me my freedom. Thank you for giving up your life so I can live mine. You will forever be in my heart. You will never be forgotten.
May 19 QuotesOk, I don't normally put stuff up like this but I found this really funny. Hopefully yall do too!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." 0 The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Pedro blurts, "Dick Cheney 2006!" May 10 There's no denying it
It's a BOY!!! I haven't seen Bodi glow this much since...well... I'll get back to you on that!
May 08 I think we can all relate to this...On a TransAtlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time... No one moves... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest... She gasps... He moves in close and whispers "Iron this, then get me a beer." May 02 Why?Why do kids find it essential to their survival to go through the house turning on ALL of the lights in the middle of the day?!? |
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